I feel like I really messed up…I’m very depressed. I’m so afraid that I’m never going to be happy. What’s worse, I am so afraid that I’ll have to live my life knowing that there was some career that was perfect, I mean a career made in Heaven just for me, and that I messed up big time and now the door is closed forever.
I’m beginning to think that I studied the wrong thing in college, and furthermore that there is some career that would have been perfect for me, but it would require a degree in something else.
I have a BA degree in Spanish. I love the Spanish language and I DO NOT regret learning to SPEAK Spanish and I DO NOT regret being an exchange student in Mexico.
However, majoring in Spanish was a mistake. I was an undergrad, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and I was ashamed of not having a degree, which was a source of pressure. I decided I wanted to go to law school (another story) and Spanish was a writing intensive major. I graduated from college and landed a crummy job as an interpreter at some crappy law firm, and decided I never wanted anything to do with the legal profession again.
Anyway, now I’m substitute teaching and it’s hell. It’s not a decent job, it’s a crappy job. I never intended to make it my life’s work, it’s so disappointing.
I should have/could have been a veterinarian, a commercial artist, a musician, an environmental engineer. I love animals, especially dogs and horses and love science. I draw all the time and people tell me every day that I should have been an animator for Walt Disney Studios. One of my Tefl trainers told me that I draw well enough to go work for Disney studios (I made cartoons as a visual aid for my students).
I"m scared that I’m going to fail in life. I’m scared that the professions that are open to me at this point in life are things that I’m not talented enough to excel at.
I got so disappointed with sub teaching and decided I wanted to teach English abroad. I just finished a Tefl course a couple months ago; now I’m certified. I’m also looking into getting certified to teach Spanish in Texas.
I was really excited about going abroad, or to Texas, but now I’m scared I’m gonna fail. I’m scared that I’m not smart enough to be a teacher and that I’m not as capable as most people.
I have faith in my trainers from the course but I feel badly about myself.
I substitute teach every day and people have said, maybe not verbatim, but for all practical purposes that i’m not doing a good job. Today was one of those days where nothing seemed to work and the school administration said things that implied that I wasn’t capable of managing a classroom.
I was really excited about going abroad to teach English, but I worry that these terrible things that happened to me as a sub (the kids were out of control and nothing I said seemed to have any effect) set a precedent. I’m so scared that I’m not smart enough to be a teacher.
I’m beginning to wish and wish I’d studied something else in college, but now it’s too late. I would give anything to go back in time and do things differently but I’m 30 years old and have roughly $8,000 in student loans. Not to mention I have no idea how I’d come up with the money for a new degree.
I get so frustrated when I go sub and the administration treats me like I can’t do anything right because it makes me feel like I’m not competent. I wonder, what’s wrong with me, everyone else is capable of managing a classroom.
It’s torturing me, thinking of how things could have been. I hate my job (sub teaching) and wish and wish I could go back in time and study something different. It’s torturing me, I could have been a veterinarian or I could have been an animator for Disney right now. Who knows, I might have been a famous guitar player.
I could probably go back to law school but I don’t want to now.
I wouldn’t commit suicide because I’m not a coward, but this is torturing me and I’m scared it will haunt me like a ghost every day. How I ruined my chance of ever being happy. I’ve fallen into despair, and I cry myself to sleep almost every night.
Have I ruined my life?
You haven’t ruined your life. Many, many people end up in a career that has nothing to do with what they originally studied. There is plenty of time to do something else. So, please, relax.
Also, career isn’t everything. Don’t let the rat race try to convince you otherwise.
Your writing is high quality and thought out well. You express yourself clearly. You’re obviously a capable person, and not an idiot. Everyone is afraid that they’re not smart enough, even the really, really smart people.
As for problems with teaching, not everyone is cut out for it. Doesn’t mean you aren’t competent or intelligent. Not everyone is cut out for race car driving or playing the tuba or humanitarian work in disaster zones either.
Through work I know someone who used to be a flight attendant. At age 39, she decided she had always wanted to be a lawyer, so she went to school. She’s now one of the top lawyers where I live. I’m 28 and only really now starting my studies.
I would suggest going around to talk with veterinarians in your area about the possibility of becoming an assistant or technician. Also check with animal shelters, rescue groups, stables, kennels, etc. Fluency in Spanish is definitely useful, and hopefully you can find someone willing to give you a chance. I worked as a vet tech for awhile even though I had no previous education, just a love for animals and some volunteer work in animal rescue. There is time in the future to take courses to eventually become certified, and maybe vet school once your prior loans are paid off.
The biggest problem right now is your low confidence. You are capable of making the changes you want in your life. Sometimes the risks are scary, but don’t see life as having only one correct path. No matter where you end up, there are always more possibilities, more options. Don’t let yourself get stuck somewhere you hate just because you don’t believe in yourself.